Land Of 10,000 Wows!

We visited old pals in Minnesota over the weekend. Wow! What a state!

Bar, our host, grew raspberries and erotic cucumbers in her backyard with great ease!


Water fell from the streams, as if from the sky!


Beautiful flowers grew in parks, as did sculpture!


Theaters were constructed by crazy people!


The crazy theater had an "Endless Bridge" sticking out of it, from which citizenry could admire the mighty Mississippi!


Or, if the citizenry were too poor or dumb to enjoy the bridge, they could mill about the riverbanks like rabble!


All to enjoy free fireworks!



It is truly the land of opportunity, a land I shared with cherished ladies and one man (the grumpy Nye's bartender - my Grumpy's bartender was unironically pleasant).

Floyd And I On The Aisle - Inception

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Fire Wheel Jug

Did you know that Chicago's Major League Soccer team is called the Chicago Fire? Did you know that inferno killed around 250 citizens in 1871?


Does it surprise you that a sports club is named after a disaster? A century or so from now, would you expect Lockerbie to name its Rocketgolf team the Pan Am Passengers? Or the Sudanese to name their Hoverball squad the Lost Boys?


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When I pass a semi on the highway, I fixate on the lug nuts on the front wheels.


I imagine each popping off the wheel like a gatling gun, shredding through my car door and torso.

And now you will, too.


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I walk by this image every day. (It is part of a recycling campaign.) It drives me nuts.


Why would she be allowed to take a free shot from beneath the basket? If the game is being played with a plastic milk jug, why is the referee holding a basketball? WHY IF SHE JUST SHOT THE MILK JUG, WHY IS SHE POSED AS IF SHE HAS YET TO SHOOT?

Queasy Quotes

I found this on my flash drive and find no record of it in my archives, so...



To meet this brief list's criteria, a film or television quote must:

1.> Initially, be funny
2.> Be co-opted by the dregs of humanity
3.> As a result, cease to be funny



"Yeah baby!"

The inspiration for this list comes from Mike Myers' first Austin Powers movie, a laugh-a-minute juggernaut unleashed upon the world in 1997. Unlike the franchise follow-ups, the original film is still a joy to re-watch, with the exception of this line. Every time I hear it, I think back to one sad morning, watching Kathy Lee exclaim "Yeah baby!" again and again, Regis powerless to stop her.

"Do I make you horny?!" would make the honorable mention list.


"You're so money!" and "Vegas, baby! Vegas!" and "This place is dead anyways."

These lines were hilarious back in the day, when a thin Vince Vaughn delivered them with swagger in "Swingers". Sadly, the American public cannot handle the lines as capably as Mr. Vaughn.


"How you doin'?"

The list's lone television representative comes from Matt LeBlanc's (arguably) finest role, Italian-American Stereotype #1, aka Joey Tribbiani. Joey utters this line to women he wants to have sex with. Your annoying coworker says this line to anyone within earshot.

And I know some would argue that this quote does not meet the first of the aforementioned criteria, but that is elitist. "Friends" wasn't high art, but it was nearly universally accepted as funny until Matthew Perry beat his addiction to painkillers.


"Earmuffs."

What do you know? Vince Vaughn makes another appearance on the list, this time from TBS staple "Old School". I never really understood why people liked to quote "Earmuffs" so much -- that kid putting his hands on his ears isn't nearly as funny as Vaughn claiming he and his friends "are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass."

I recently discovered that an acquaintance has taught her child to apply hand-earmuffs on command. How am I ever supposed to find this scene funny again?


I'm sure the list neglects many fine choices -- please add others in the comments.

2010 Spring Recap - Netflix

A Serious Man

I enjoyed it. But I have nothing to say about it.


The African Queen

I was somewhat surprised this movie is considered such a classic - it's #17 on the AFI's Top 100. A steamboat hobo (basically) played by Humphrey Bogart and a missionary played by Katherine Hepburn find themselves fighting against the German navy. Along the way, they fall in love because they're the only two people on the steamboat. It's a fun old movie, but I get the feeling people loved it because they finally got to see African scenery without having to read National Geographic.




Year One

Guys, it's available for instant streaming on Netflix. It's short, and not nearly as bad as I was led to believe. David Cross is very funny as Cain.




Sherlock Holmes

Hmm. Nothing to say here, either, except that it's good to have Jude Law and Rachael McAdams back in action. I missed their faces.


Spellbound

Excellent. Funnier than you'd expect from a Hitchcock movie, and it's got some weird imagery designed by renowned sexual deviant Salvador Dali.




Choke

I love Sam Rockwell so much, I sat through this whole thing.


Big Fan

Decent, if you like watching Patton Oswalt be a schlub.


Youth in Revolt

Kim and I both enjoyed it a lot. I had considered seeing it in the theater, but was scared off by bad reviews. I can only imagine that the bad reviews came from those who loved the book and were disappointed by the screen adaptation, because at worst, this is a funny, extremely passable coming-of-age tale. It's made excellent by Steve Buscemi, Zack Galafanakis, Fred Willard, and Michael Cera.

People seem to be upset that Michael Cera plays the same character in every movie. This school of thought ignores two points: 1.> The Michael Cera prototype is a very funny character, and 2.> Michael Cera is a 21-year-old willow of a man who still looks like he's in high school. What other roles would you expect Hollywood to offer? Should he turn down these Passive Kid roles for a slot in the new A-Team? Let him knock out a few more leading roles, and if he's still playing a anxious geek a few years from now, we'll crucify him.

Mr Jean Dreams

(click to enlarge)

You're a weird guy, Bill.



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dn: I dreamed I went to your funeral and everyone was wearing jeans. I thought that was pretty disrespectful.

Matt: What the fuck are you talking about?

dn: I am just saying, if you died I would wear a suit out of love and respect for you. Unlike those jeans-wearing yokels in my dream.

Matt: Fuck them. I would wear a panda suit to your funeral.

Matt, standing before the curiously named "Chigger Choker" firework on Independence Day.

Never Nude

Monday night I had a dream.

Michael Jordan agreed to appear in an advertisement or film for our av crew. The shot featured him, lying face up on some rocks on the shore. The camera showed his face, and panned down past his topless torso, and down to his HANES brand boxer briefs. But the boxer briefs were cutoffs, like jean shorts. And the cut-off portion, these small rings of jagged cotton, were still around his legs, an inch beneath the shortened boxer briefs.

He seemed to present us with a large apple tart in a box - packaged like it came from a catalog or was on the shelf at Bed Bath and Beyond - the next morning, to show he was in on the joke? And the tart looked like a pie but who am I to argue with my subconscious, let alone with the greatest NBA player of all time?