See Straight

I met a gay male and his female friend last night in line for the restroom. Each decided that I was not gay, but each came to that judgement in a different way.

At the right, you see a photograph of how I looked last night (sans shoes). I invite you to guess why the female said I was straight, and also guess how the male knew I was heterosexual.

Hint: One answer is an item of clothing, one is not.

Readers that were with me at the bar last night are not eligible to guess. The correct answers will be posted in the comments in 48 hours or so.

The Other Archives - Dawson's Freak On

I'm out of it tonight. So here's an old e-mail I sent Heather:

Sent: Thursday, March 10, 2005 10:24 AM
To: Heather
Subject: RE: oops

I'm sick today. I'm watching Dawson's Creek. I would bang every chick on this show. Big time.

dn

Text Dump

Time to delete my old text messages:

8/8/05
10:03 AM
Matt
Finger bang any sluts this weekend

8/10/05
4:10 PM
Matt
I smell your fuckpit

8/12/05
2:32 PM
Matt
Wanna finger me for a little while

8/13/05
1:16 AM
Floyd
So horny...So hard...So lonely...I miss your touch

8/22/05
10:12 AM
Matt
Moo

8/23/05
10:08 AM
Matt
If you meet a guy that wants to beat you up don't keep calling him hero cause he hates that

8/25/05
12:15 AM
Matt
I was inspecting my penis today and noticed the throbbing vein running down the top is exactly the same shape as the amazon as seen from space

8/25/05
12:19 AM
Matt
Have you ever jerked off to a picture of hitler

8/26/05
10:02 AM
Matt
Okay did I ever tell you that I don't believe in dinosaurs

8/27/05
9:40 PM
Matt
Wanna make fuck

8/29/05
4:25 PM
Matt
Inspect any poo today ha ha you work with shit

8/29/05
8:43 PM
Matt
go to tourettesguy.com

9/1/05
7:51 AM
Matt
I'm in chicago taking a shit

9/1/05
9:36 AM
Matt
I just saw the hottest girl ever followed by the fattest girl ever

9/30/05
5:03 PM
Matt
I want to make fuck to you.

10/3/05
10:10 AM
Matt
Hey did you bang any hairy cunt this weekend?

When You Can't Hit The Jackpot

Jackpot Saloon has apparently decided to end their Monday night karaoke, banishing mediocre talent to Duffy's, a bar inside an Econolodge that used to be a Ramada. But you know what? There's something to be said for Duffy's.

1.> They've got a wacky martini list (here's me drinking an oh-so metro $3.00 "Anastasia martini").



2.> They've got a red neon sign that says "Duffy's"

3.> No one will see you make an ass of yourself.

Wedding Weekend

It was a wild night Friday - not because of our activites in Westport (I lost this time), but because Chicago had one too many Ketel One drinks. As I (and Jeff and Heather and Kim...) know from experience, Ketel One will cause both vomiting and memory loss. When he finally passed out on the couch, I tucked into my sleeping bag and experienced two disturbing dreams.

1. Kevin Federline impregnates Mandy Moore. No graphic scenes in this dream, but the very fact Captain Jerkoff made it into my subconscious was troublesome. Oh, and if my dream was any indication, you'd better pray to your God that he doesn't knock up another woman, because the media coverage will be unbearable.

2. It involved HIV / AIDS and an odd retroviral therapy wherein the patient inserts beads into his ass.

Saturday I bought a camera, which I used at that night's wedding. Interested parties can view the photos at my Flickr account. (Each photo has an explanatory comment.)

Wake Up

Lately (as in, for the past month or so), I've been waking up a few minutes before my alarm sounds. This morning, seconds after gaining consciousness, my brain tried to comprehend the man it occupies.

BRAIN VOICE #1: Maybe he just prefers to wake up before the alarm.

BRAIN VOICE #2: But I am him.

BRAIN VOICE #1: (...)

Child Left Behind

I found this poster on my business trip to western Kansas a few weeks back. It seems to be a homework assignment comparing the gods of Greek mythology to modern day humans. If you look closely (go ahead and click on the photo to enlarge it...it's TOTALLY worth it), you'll see that the child scored 30 out of 30 points for "writing" as well as a perfect 30 for 30 for "drawing".

I assume that either the child or the teacher is retarded, because there is no way a mentally competent individual could consider this poster to be a flawless project. Osama Bin Laden has three words in his name, and the child only spelled one correctly. And it's Brockovich. And Hussein. Mahumade Ali? Is it Athena or Athen, kid - make up your mind! Zeus or Zues? Care to buy an "E" for "quarrelsom"? HOW THE FUCK DID THIS KID SCORE PERFECTLY ON THE WRITING PORTION OF THE POSTER??

Since when is Poseidon (the kid spells Zeus wrong but nails Poseidon?) a trident? Doesn't he HOLD a trident? Does Hermes wear winged shoes or IS he winged shoes? Hey teach - I'm no Bob Ross, but aren't these photos of famous people...uh...NOT DRAWINGS?

What messages did the great Cassius Clay deliver, exactly? "Sting like a bee?" I know he spoke out against the war - are those the "messages" you're talking about? Is that really the best parallel to make with Hermes? Is that even the best ATHLETE to compare to Hades? Is that even the best character portrayed by Will Smith to compare to Hades?

This work is Wiggumesque. Clearly no help from the parents.

Horsing Around

You can learn a lot from your friends in the Peace Corps:

In the rural parts of Panama it is pretty common that young boys or even adult men will have sex with female horses, pigs, dogs, or goats. Why? Because masturbation is really taboo in these areas, so instead they experiment with animals. Well, my astonishment and curiosity as to the mechanics of having sex with a female horse led me to have a conversation with my good friend...She explained to me that they tie the horse’s head to a post, then tie the front and the back legs together so she lays down, and that is how it works. I guess every culture has its quirks.

And I say that to say this:

Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
Andy: Yeah?
Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
Andy: Wow, that's something.

Thursdirge

Let's all take one last look at Ms. Dunst. It's our final chance to enjoy Kirsten before Elizabethtown pollutes her. I'm telling you, we're going to find this movie veeeeeeeeerrry average.


[via usemycomputer.com again]

That Makes Me A Sad Panda

As this e-mail exchanges illustrates, our panda-themed Halloween costume idea has been axed. Without an electric sign flashing "PANDAMONIUM!!!", it's not worth the effort.

From: dn
To: admin@neon-nites.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2005 8:11 PM

I'm looking for a scrolling LED sign I can wear around my neck. The belt buckle LEDs are too small for my purposes. Please let me know if any of your larger LED signs in stock run on batteries.

Thank you for your help!
dn

From: admin@neon-nites.com
To: dn
Date: 3Sep05 12:39pm

Sorry we do not carry anything like that.

Thanks,
Tabatha

Sexy? Yes. Alive? Yes.

Jessica Biel was named "sexiest woman alive" by Esquire magazine.

I am reminded of a conversation Phil and I had during our radio programme days - we were discussing the sexiness of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, back when people bothered to debate such things.

"When I see Britney," Phil said, "I think, 'Wow. She's it. Untouchable.' But when I see Xtina, I think, 'Yeah, I could take her home. No problem.'"

Now, I'm not saying Jessica Biel is unattractive. I'm also not saying that I could hit that. But when it comes to the sexiest woman alive, the thought shouldn't even cross my mind.

Order Out

From this point forward, I will never order the following dishes when dining out, because they never meet my delicious expectations:

Biscuits and gravy
Chicken fried steak
Onion rings / Awesome Blossom variants
Tuna salad / chicken salad

Off the Road

Apologies for the very late ThursDunst. I have only just returned from my westward trek. My hair is unsatisfactory - the Hays Super 8 has cut corners since my last stay, and there was no miniature bottle of shampoo in my shower. They do still provide the tiny, wrapped bar of soap. Why are the soaps that size? Shouldn't they be even smaller? Have you ever stayed in a hotel long enough to use that entire bar? Ever wonder what they do with those little soaps? I like to think they're recycled - thrown on a pile, melted down, poured into mold, shipped back out to the world's motels.

The trip was otherwise ordinary. I pushed through a lot of Tender is the Night:

One writes of scars healed, a loose parallel to the pathology of the skin, but there is no such thing in the life of an individual. There are open wounds, shrunk sometimes to the size of a pin-prick but wounds still. The marks of suffering are more comparable to the loss of a finger, or of the sight of an eye. We may not miss them, either, for one minute in a year, but if we should there is nothing to be done about it.

Mayans' Ruin?

Damn the work that requires me to drive 5.5 hours across Kansas to a Comfort Inn. Damn the society that places the hotel on a highway, across the street from a Burger King, but doesn't build the sidewalks or crosswalks that would allow me to get a Whopper without the aid of a rented automobile. Damn the society that triggers, "Uh oh...is that going to be enough to fill me up?" after I order a double Whopper with cheese, and damn the brain that tacks on the small order of onion rings.

On the bright side, it looks like it may have finally happened. Someone at the City of Wichita googled "Carlos Mayans". Did the mayor google himself, only to find that his attempt to cheat at basketball did not go unnoticed? Or did a curious employee search for information on his/her boss, only to learn the shocking truth?

Minor In Pretension

What's worse than being at the Hawk? Being underage, and getting caught drinking. What's worse than getting caught? Getting caught drinking a PACIFICO.

Two of the underage drinkers caught in the bar testified at Tuesday's hearing, including Kansas University student Matthew Lamantia, 19, who was caught drinking a Pacifico beer on June 25. He testified that he got the fake ID he used to get into the bar from someone who gave it to him while he was considering joining a fraternity.

At least when I got my Minor In Possession, I was holding a Natural Light.

I Like Your Blog!

The comment spam is now appearing in old posts as well as the new ones - there were over 20 this weekend. In response, I've implemented word verfication. Now, posting a comment will be kind of like ordering from Ticketmaster, only with a slightly lower surcharge. Obviously, I'm not trying to discourage reader comments, just the ones from people who seem to put a lot of faith in a very faulty advertising method.

BacheLAN Party

At 8:30 pm Friday, I walked into Tanner's apartment. The groom and the gang were already there, playing a first-person shooter.

"Did you bring your laptop?" Blaine asked.
"I thought you were kidding."
"Nope."

I played for a few minutes - to my horror, I realized that it wasn't Quake, a game this group played religiously in 1998, in the dorms, every evening after enjoying a meal at the Kramer Dining Center. Tired of being shot to death, I quit and watched The Soup.

That show is hilarious.

It wasn't all hard-core gaming - we managed to go out in Westport and interact with other humans. At Harpo's, for example, we talked to our waitress. And we played that game where you try to throw a football through a hole - like Pop-A-Shot but for football. Blaine and I tired of the traditional gameplay, so we made a rule that you had to throw a play-action pass. This meant that you grabbed the ball from the machine, sprinted back 7 yards toward the now annoyed table of four (play-actioning along the way), turned, and launched a spiral toward the target. I won.