It's a Pun! Bam!

I bought five fluid ounces of Emeril's "Kick It Up!" Green Pepper Sauce today -- it was cheaper than the Tabasco brand product by more than a dollar, plus it featured this little snippet from Emeril himself on the packaging:

Down where I live in Louisiana, people keep a bottle of pepper sauce on the table, and use it to spice up just about everything. We make this one here in the Bayou State. You'll like what this does for pork and chicken. It'll even make your turkey sandwich something special. Kick It Up! Green so full of ripe Jalapenos, it's "Emeril" Green. Ouch!

Please note -- I didn't screw up the formatting, it really says "Ouch!" in the quote. Also note this product is made in Roseland, New Jersey, not the Bayou State.

XO

Elliott Smith tried killing himself through prescription drugs, heroin, crack, booze, and by jumping off a cliff. In all likelihood -- the autopsy left homicide as a possibility -- he died from self-inflicted stab wounds to his heart. So I guess this story about Elliott, taken from this month's Spin magazine, shouldn't surprise or depress me:

He was fed up with the current state of his life. A lot of people from the label were telling him he needed to get it together. He was so sick of people talking about the future. So he carved the word "now" into his arm with a knife. And he sat down at the piano and wrote "Everything Means Nothing to Me" as the blood was dripping down his arm.

The entire article was scanned by someone over at the benfolds.org message board if you care to learn about Elliott's life and death.

Must...Destroy...Boston...

I've got today off, so I have the rare pleasure of watching an entire Sportscenter (or two or three) this morning. A special extended article about the Yankee's Steinbrenner and Cashman was just on, and I was treated to my favorite scene from 2004 several times -- Cashman, up in his ivory tower, staring down at the field as the Red Sox celebrate the greatest comeback in the history of life. Just a great mixture of body language and facial expression -- not quite sheer contempt, not at all dumbfounded, somewhat deflated -- you'd have to invent a new emotion to describe Cashman at that moment. And we could use that new emotion to also describe what a kid feels like when some bully just beat the shit out of his dad, but the kid knows that he can't do anything about it (if his dad couldn't beat up the bully, then neither can he, so he can't even challenge the bully or call him names or anything), plus the kid's dad is going to be in a shitty mood for a month or so, which means no candy, in bed exactly at 8 p.m., and occasional physical abuse.

New U2 Review For You

*extends arm forward, palm down, fingers spread, tilts hand left, then right, repeats*

It's fine. It's alright. It's about 20x better than my Thanksgiving break. I felt a slight bit disappointed after my first couple listens to "All You Can't Leave Behind", too, and it grew on me. We'll see if this album is the same way.

Favorite tracks thus far:

#4 - "Love and Peace or Else" - I shuddered when I saw the title. Then I threw up. Then I saw my puke and threw up again. Then some splattered on my shoe and I screamed in agony. Then I threw the awful shoe as hard as I could down the sidewalk. It landed on a toddler, but the kid was O.K., just a little bump, and the cycle of pain and anguish was broken. So, yeah - the song is pretty good. Kind of reminds me of their BB King collaboration "When Love Comes to Town". No BB King this time around, though - he and his stupid diabetes are nowhere to be found.

#6 - "All Because of You" - Very solid track, save for the unbearable shriek of feedback The Edge inserts before the song begins in earnest. (What if the song began IN Earnest? How would that even happen? What a mindjob!) Hey, The Edge - no need to shock us with the sudden swell! Who do you think you are, Austrian composer Franz Joseph Haydn? Is this "All Because of You" or the infamous "Surprise Symphony"?

Superhunks - Jake Gyllenhaal

How the Superhunks Stole Your High School Girlfriend

[NOTE: In addition to naming Jude Law 2004's Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine picked nine "off the charts" sexy superstars: Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp.]

"I remember back when I would have to look this up in the huge card catalog," your girlfriend thought as she walked toward the public library's bank of computer terminals. She prayed that she would find the book she needed quickly; the downtown library always made her uncomfortable - too big, too confusing, too sad - the city's homeless were often forced inside during periods of inhospitable weather.

She sat before an available station and began her search. She grew tired of her research subject and allowed herself to relax. Across the table and to her right sat Jake Gyllenhaal. Their eyes met as he looked up from his leather-bound journal.

Your girlfriend quickly looked away - her head swung left, only to find a group of homeless gentlemen playing cards at the corner table. Rattled, she turned away, only to once again meet the calm stare of Jake Gyllenhaal. She looked down at her keyboard. After a moment, she heard a muffled chuckle.

"C'mon, don't make fun of me," your girlfriend pleaded softly, eyes still focused on the home row.

"No. It's just...I used to get nervous, too," Jake offered. "Homeless people would kind of freak me out - I didn't really know how to act around them."

"How did you get over it?"

"You just adapt," he whispered. "You just get used to it."

"God. I don't think I ever will."

"Sure you will...and I'll help you, if you want."

Your girlfriend looked up and their eyes locked for the third time. Jake was hunched forward in his chair, italic. Your girlfriend smiled. She leaned toward him, Hebrew italic.

"I want."

Pride (In the Name of Glove)

This would be what I would title a post if I were to write about Doug Mientkiewicz' demotion from starter to defensive replacement.

Back Under the Covers

The Lawrence Journal-World's music critic had so much to say about A Perfect Circle's "Imagine" cover that he devoted an entire column to it last week. You might say we have differing opinions on the subject. So this is what it feels like to have a nemesis.

And as if "Imagine" isn't bad enough, even more iconic songs are being rehashed. Paul e-mailed me news regarding the latest travesty - he heard a butchered version of "In The Air Tonight" on the radio:

yeah, i'm not sure who it is. all i know is that the song was on a station similar to 93x in minneapolis. so, yes, it is a hard rock version of it, which makes it even worse. as much as i love hard rock and phil, they should never be paired. my guess is that it's some band like alien ant farm who butchered "smooth criminal" and then fell off the face of the planet. we can only hope this band follows suit.

More research than I'd care to admit revealed the source was a band named Nonpoint. The cover is among the tracks on their album "Recoil", and you can hear a clip at amazon. Before you listen, make sure you have a good internet connection, the latest version of Media Player, and plenty of gauze handy for when your ears begin to bleed.

And, as you ask your God how this could have happened, take a gander at the various groups that have covered "In the Air Tonight" before this latest instance. This is at least the seventh attempt to cover it! SEVEN!! That's like a new version every other year since its original release!

So I guess if New Year's 2006 rolls around and you think to yourself, "I could really use a jazzed up version of 'In the Air Tonight' right about now," you may be in luck.

Superhunks - Orlando Bloom

How the Superhunks Stole Your High School Girlfriend

[NOTE: In addition to naming Jude Law 2004's Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine picked nine "off the charts" sexy superstars: Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp.]

She was at the mall with two of her friends. They finished their onion rings and left the food court enclosure; Orlando was sitting, arms crossed, on a wooden bench outside of Supercuts. His skateboard was tucked away beneath him; the deck's image -- a pitchfork-wielding devil before a fiery cityscape -- stared out from the darkened recess.

"Is that a moustache?" Tammy asked your girlfriend in amazement.

"My God, I think it is," Angel responded, attempting not to stare at the thin, dark line. "He can grow a moustache already! No one else in 10th grade can even come close!"

Your girlfriend agreed and approached Orlando.

"I like your facial hair," she told him in her most cordial, over-the-phone voice.

"Whatever," he spat. "My old man won't leave it alone. I'm supposed to shave it off by Monday - and he says if my hair isn't off my shoulders, too, then I'm grounded for a month. He's such a dick."

"Yeah, that sucks," your girlfriend sympathized, "I hate my dad, too."

Orlando stood up and pulled his board from its nook.

"Fuck him. I'm going out to the parking lot to smoke. You coming?"

Tammy and Angel whispered to one another, weak in the knees as your girlfriend followed Orlando down the tile path to the bank of glass doors that separates indoors from out.

"No one else in the 10th grade smokes Reds," Angel said.

Tammy sighed.

"Yeah, I know."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."

I Want U2

Phil once wrote a review of a U2 album in the Kansas State Collegian. I'm printing the text of said review in hopes it will inspire him to review the new record, due out this Tuesday. Phil, if you're up to topping the whopper below, e-mail me your thoughts on "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb":

U2 unleashes part 1 of greatest hits

With the release of "The Best of U2 1980-1990," the Irish megagroup charges back into the mainstream of rock music with a collection of songs from its first sever studio recordings.

The various songs on the album range from fan favorites such as "New Year's Day" and "Pride (In the Name of Love)" to more obscure songs such as the title track from the band's 1984 release, "The Unforgettable Fire".

Lyrically, the band has progressed consistently through the years.

From "A boy tries hard to be a man/ his mother takes him by the hand/ he starts to cry, oh why," the opening lines of 1980's "I Will Follow," to "My hands are tied/ my body bruised/ I got nothing to win/ I got nothing to lose," from 1987's heartfelt sentiment of "With or Without You," lead singer Bono and company have displayed brilliantly the continuous maturing process their music has gone through.

Musically, U2 is all over the place.

Their style varies from the heavily Irish folk-influenced "Sunday Bloody Sunday" to "When Love Comes to Town," a duet with blues legend B.B. King.

[NOTE: B.B. King didn't have diabetes then, but he does now, and he hates it when you prick his fingers to determine his blood sugar. --dn]

U2 adds a touch of religion with "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," which Bono describes as a gospel song.

Some things have remained constant for the quartet. The innovative guitar work and trademark riffs of lead guitarist The Edge not only influenced many young guitar players in the 1980s, but also has produced a sound that is distinctively U2.

Fans who bought the album within the first week of its release received the "b-sides" compact disc to accompany "The Best of U2 1980-1990".

Included on this collection are "Sweetest Thing," which has been released as a current single, and "Unchained Melody," a remix of the signature Righteous Brothers' song.

"Sweetest Thing," although recorded in 1998, orginally was written and recorded during the making of "The Joshua Tree" in 1986. The song, currently premiering as a video on MTV, was written by Bono to his wife, Ali, as a way to relay his apologies for being on the road during her birthday.

B-side "Unchained Melody" has all the power and emotion of the original song, along with the addition of the signature guitar sound of The Edge.

Collectively, "The Best of U2 1980-1990" is a must for people who consider themselves true music fans.

The album is a definitive collection of a band that has stood the test of time and has managed to keep its music alive, despite the constant shifts in the volatile world of popular music.

5 out of 5 stars.

Let Me Give the World to You

She came by the office yesterday, bearing edible gifts and peddling her wares. To maintain privacy, we'll call her "Helen" -- I call her my Moon Goddess. All this talk of antigens and rates -- why can't we just so somewhere quiet and talk about us? I fear that husband and child or yours back in the suburbs don't appreciate you the way I do. You're the best drug rep in the world! You're a hotter version of Rebecca from The Real World: Seattle! You know, normally when the ladies wear those shawl/tablecloth looking things over their shoulders, I don't go for it -- but you, Helen, you're absolutely wearing that shawl! Do you see this assortment of delectibles you've spread out before me? If you gave me the chance, this is how you'd eat every day of the rest of your life! Look how thin and tan and athletic you are! Those piercing blue eyes! Why don't you come around more often? And maybe don't wear the wedding ring next time?

Positively 10th Street

I walked several feet past the bakery and was several additional feet away from the Indian restaurant's entrance, stepping through a light mist seemingly frozen in place -- permanent fixtures waiting to be brushed aside and tunnelled through. At that spot on the sidewalk, for precisely three moments, everything smelled like my high school girlfriend. I moved back to the point my momentum had already carried me past and attempted to recapture the scent; I failed. Everything was not okay again.

Back Again

A few nights ago I woke to something shocking - for once, it wasn't an unfamiliar yet unparalleled lover. Turns out I fell asleep on my back, which is shocking because I've slept on my stomach every night for the last 10 years or so. I was just going to stare at the ceiling for a few moments before I shifted and fell into a deep sleep, but I was so tuckered out I fell asleep first. Thanks, booze!

Fornicating in France

Continuing our rounds in the local papers, here's an excerpt from today's Topeka Capital-Journal. The Topeka city council heard arguments against adding "sexual orientation" to the list of things city employees can't be discriminated because of. (No comments, please, about my grammar in the previous sentence.) Here's a killer excerpt from the town that brought you "God hates fags" placards:

The Rev. Stan Johnson used the term "sodomites" to describe homosexuals, while acknowledging others often are uncomfortable with that term. Johnson echoed the comments of others who said homosexual behavior is morally wrong, then took that one step further by saying homosexual behavior is unwelcome in Topeka.

"If somebody wants to be a sodomite, then they should move to France," he said.

Want another reason to move to France? YOU LIVE IN TOPEKA.

Stroke 'Em If You Got 'Em

This summer, my city government voted to ban smoking in public places, including bars, forcing smokers to sidewalks and outdoor patios. Now, it's November - a few bars have shut down, faulting the smoking ban, and the weather has become less favorable for the smokers. It seems the sky is falling; at least, that's the impression you get if you listen to the pessimistic bar owners or the news-desperate rag known as the Lawrence Journal-World. Let's examine their latest profile, "As cold weather creeps closer, veteran questions smoking ban":

Cigarette by cigarette, Speedy -- himself a veteran of wars in Korea and Vietnam -- is getting more ticked off at the City Commission, which passed the ban.

"What the hell did I fight for?" he'd asked earlier that day, sitting with a pink electric blanket on his lap at his home on Haskell Avenue a few blocks from the bar. "If they want to dictate, go over to Iraq. I ain't kidding you ... I'm 72 years old, by God, and I'll die where I want to. And it ain't going to be out smoking in a (expletive deleted) snowdrift."

...

After his stroke 16 years ago this month, a nurse told him he'd be dead in four months if he didn't stop smoking. Today his brand of choice is Gunsmokes, which he buys in bulk on an Indian reservation.

He smokes up to two packs a day, depending on whether it's a day he goes to the bar.

"I ain't dead yet," he said.

Okay, Speedy - fair enough. It's certainly a pain in the ass for you to get wheelchaired outside the bar so you can use your one functioning limb to lift a cigarette to your mouth. It's a big hassle that was forced upon you by the city commission, and forcing these things upon you is certainly not something that would have happened in your day. And you've been to war, which means I can't mock you for some reason. And you frequent the Crosstown Tavern, a place that I'm too terrified to step foot into. Speedy, you are a hard motherfucker.

Speedy, I hate to tell you this, but it wouldn't be such a pain in the ass for you to go outside to smoke if you weren't in that wheelchair. And you may not need that wheelchair if you didn't have that stroke. Speedy, can you guess a major risk factor for stroke? Whoa! Easy on the expletives, there, Speedy! But yes, you're correct, smoking is a major cause of strokes. Actually, passive (aka "second hand") smoke can also increase your risk for stroke. So, I'm sorry that things are tougher for you now, but not really, because the extra trouble for you means there's less chance I'll end up like you (the paralyzed part, not the hard motherfucker part).

And you bar owners? I understand your commerce-oriented complaints, and I even sympathize with you when you bring it up in the back room at Henry's and speak about how you're going to get it on the ballot and hopefully overturn it in 2005, but inside I really think you're full of shit and atherosclerosis, because I've read things like this. And that $5 a year I had to spend on Febreze when indoor smoking was legal? I promise I'll spend it on your booze.

Catholicious

Disturbing? Awesome? A photo featuring the most authentically clad attendees from Saturday night's catholic school-themed gala.

Thanks to the cameraman for providing the digital photo and for choosing an out-of-the-way location to pass out. No thanks to the (reportedly) ugly chick that broke the beer cooler.

Pictures of Who

The Google Image Quiz game.

(If you use dial-up, don't bother.)

I Like the Way you Eat

An interesting message from Steph regarding her friend's boyfriend, who puts his foot down on one aspect of the relationship:

He thinks hamburgers are gross and it's gross to see people eat big greasy hamburgers, and she can't eat a hamburger around him. Particularly not a juicy lucy.

Maybe an extreme measure, but I think anyone who witnessed Mark McGwire eat a thickburger in a recent Hardee's/Carl's Jr commercial would agree: watching people eat gigantic burgers is somewhat offputting. The ad wizards hawking thickburgers keep trying to change that perception - their latest ad features a mechanical bull-riding vixen chowing down. In the end, it's just a hot chick eating something you'd rather she didn't - it ruins effect of the bullriding gyrations.

The act of eating is pretty gross if you overanalyze it, so you could throw quite a few dishes alongside hamburgers on the "I'd rather not see an old ballplayer or a cowgirl devour it" pile.

This brings us to the burning query of the day: is there a food you can eat while still appearing attractive?

I would argue that fresh fruits and vegetables are the only possible answer. If you really want to put me on the spot, I'll bypass the obvious male choice of "banana" and go with an apple. It's not too juicy, you can eat it with one hand, and it's just a little naughty (see Book of Genesis - I almost just wrote "Genesis", but I didn't want to imply that Phil Collins and co. were the bad boys of late '80s British rock).

And Speaking of Links

I've added a new permanent link at the right - Bob Powers publishes "Girls Are Pretty", which is more humourous than it sounds. I started reading his regular site after seeing his well-written review of a Shins concert.

You should check every one of my permanent links every day, as they are updated with new material (at least) every weekday. Except Floyd's site, for now, as he is currently in the throws of an existential crisis which prevents him from his webmaster duties. Let's hope he gets through this without killing an Arab.

See No Evil

This is a humorous rant about the election that democrats will find funnier than republicans. It is provided for entertainment only. Repeat: I do not want this to turn into The Rattler (also see the permanent link at right: "bag"), which is a very good site that links to me, but gets a little heated politically, and I can't have people arguing about politics on my site, because if they do I'll read it and I'll get depressed thinking about social justice and oil and air and so on, and I don't need that stuff brought up because already I think about it frequently.

Hell, I've Got the Day Off...

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jeans
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Le Tigre songs I downloaded. Almost bought their album last Sunday and I think I'm glad I didn't. Not sure yet.
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? 12-grain toast with red raspberry preserves.
5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No. Do people actually do this? How? Do talk to the star out loud?
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHICH COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Anything but the flesh color...probably one of the metallic colors that were oh so popular in 2nd grade, but I didn't have, as my parents would only get me the box of 16 colors.
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Turned on the furnace today.
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A nurse at my GI doc's office.
9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU? Heather did this to me - she's a good shit I suppose. Salt of the earth, backbone of England.
10. HOW ARE YOU? A little hungry.
11. FAVORITE DRINK? On a Snapple kick lately
12. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? I asked my mom this once and she said "anything with whiskey in it." Mildly disturbing. Probably vodka tonics for me.
13. FAVORITE SPORT? watch=baseball play=basketball
14. HAIR COLOR? Brown.
15. EYE COLOR? A girl once told me I had "very soft brown eyes" as we payed little attention to the street performers of Santa Monica. Then we went into the bookstore and looked up phrases in the slang dictionary.
16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no need
17. # OF SIBLINGS? one
18. FAVORITE MONTH? June. Maybe.
19. FAVORITE FOOD? Cookies.
20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Theater=I Heart Huckabees DVD=Lost in Translation
21. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Probably Xmas, just because everyone seems to be in good spirits that day.
22. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? at work=recklessly slam my phone repeatedly into itself. at home=lay down
23. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? I had some rubber dart guns once that were pretty cool. Hot Wheels were good. Legos (the space kind)
24. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. Never met a hot chick named winter, by the way.
25. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends on the execution and the executor.
26. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla is for chumps.
27. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO EMAIL YOU BACK? n/a
30. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? townhome on the interstate
31. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A few months ago after my aunt died.
32. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Shoeboxes containing items of a personal and public nature.
33. WHAT FRIENDS HAVE YOU HAD THE LONGEST? Brian would be the singular longest friend.
34. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? Had a mojito at Henry's on 8th, listened to debates on stem cell research and who would win a fight between a grizzly bear and a silverback gorilla.
35. FAVORITE SMELLS? Uh, the beach?
36. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? The Polyphonic Spree
37. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? I used to be concerned that all the people I knew were really ghosts, and they just pretended to be real when I was around, and then when I left they'd laugh about how I had no idea everyone I loved was a ghost. But now I guess I'm more afraid that I'm going to wake up one day and be 40 years old and driving the SUV down to Wal-Mart to pick up a head of lettuce, a gallon of milk, and the large package of cheap diapers.
38. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? buttered is best
39. FAVORITE CAR? Any hybrid
40. FAVORITE FLOWER? the sunflower?
41. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 3 house keys, 1 bike lock key, 1 car key, and one little screwdriver thingy that I cannot take with me on an aeroplane for some reason (if that's a weapon, then all keys are weapons, no?)
42. CAN YOU JUGGLE? negative
43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Saturday
44. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Ate a burrito, had some drinks, and spouted Bono's speeches from Rattle and Hum.
45. WOULD YOU RATHER READ OR WATCH T.V.? TV if something's on
46. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? nothing too special
47. MOUNTAINS OR BEACHES: mountains make me slightly claustrophobic
48. AS A HOMEMAKER, WHAT JOB DO YOU HATE THE MOST? I prefer "homeowner". Sweeping.
49. PETS? negative

Once More With Feeling

How many takes did Nick Cage have to do before he said, "This dollar bill is trying to tell me something," in precisely the right manner? Did he have any reservations about saying such a stupid line? Did the producers think twice before they included this ridiculous phrase in the trailer and the commercials? How much money could the founding fathers have hidden in this National Treasure? Weren't they hemp farmers and shit? I guess they had slaves and built Monticello and went to France all the time...but still, these people had wooden teeth and powdered wigs - not exactly the mark of the fabulously wealthy. What could have caused them to bury the treasure -- or, better yet -- why would they make a treasure map on the back of the declaration of independence? Is the map in invisible ink or something? Did they have invisible ink back then? When does this movie come out so I can GET IN LINE????

Unexpected Utterance

Phrase I did not expect to hear during the Q&A following a presentation at work today:

"Rough Sex"

Highway to Holstein

Hey LANDON. Maybe you could stop wearing the blue T-shirt with cows on it.

How to Post Comments

Click on the link below the post that reads "0 Comments".
Click "Post a Comment".
Type a comment.
(Phil, there you go.)

Make Your Mother Sigh

I was able to help some people at work today; one woman was so grateful that she cried. She started crying immediately after my good news left my lips; the gentle tears were noticeable even over the phone. I don't know how women do that so fast -- seems like they should have to get a little warmed up before they lunge into the full-on sprint.

The burning query of the day: Does her emotion prove she is dedicated to our line of work? Does my lack of emotion mean I am not dedicated? Am I like one of those teachers that mock their students' intelligence in the teacher's lounge?

Or does this woman just a whiny little bitch that cries when the rice gets sticky?

News Travelling as Swift as the Light Rail

Hey. Minneapolis people. Yeah, you. What's going on? You guys pretty busy nowadays? You busy wondering if Randy Moss is going to start next week? Busy avoiding being hit by his car as you trudge downtown? Hey, maybe if you guys find a spare moment you could bother to tell me that First Ave is closing down. I mean, I like hearing about it by chance as I read a New Yorker's (Jeff Johnson) site -- don't get me wrong -- but it would be nice to hear a local's perspective on this issue. So, if you get a minute, maybe you could let me know where the ladies with salsa in their souls are going to go to dance on a Saturday night, or if we're going to pretend that Purple Rain was actually filmed at The Quest or 400 Bar. If you have a spare moment.

Terrifying Blog of the Week

This week's selection comes from Mandy's Blog. Amanda appears to be a 15 year-old from Illinois, and you appear to be concerned that I'm reading an underage teen's weblog. Well fuck you because this girl is wise beyond her years:

mmk so todays saturday and i just woke up but thursday i loved the O.C, but i thought it could have been better..oh well.. then last night was so fun..ok besides 8th period..like my gym teacher came up to me and hes like..do u have a pass from last wed.? and i was like..what? so he sent me down to the office and the ladies like..yeah it says that u were absent and i was like..actually i was here and shes like well ur gonna have to prove that and i was like are u fucking kidding me(i didnt really say that) lol then shes like..yeah ur gonna have to go to your dean and if u cant prove that u were here then we'll have to write u up or something i was like what the f*ck so yeah i was like really pissed b/c i didnt ditch..and those people are full of shit! lol but w/e ..after school we went to eat with kait and her sis tina and lyss and her sis amanda and yeah that was fun then we went to the mall to get RYAN a present its really cute hes gonna love it kait! ok then amanda drove us to the movies and chris came..him and alyssa are sooo cute together seriously ..he brought her roses cutest thing ever! he hasnt asked her out yet?? but thats ok b/c he will .. and we let them two sit by themselves lol wow that was funnay. We saw napolean dynamite..hmm... lol WOW that was pretty gay but it was like really funny. Didnt see any one hot there either..what the heck..lol mmk thennnn i got home like 10 and just went online and chat with some people and got really mad at something but w/e lol thennnn went in my room and listened to music..but today i dont know what im gonna do yet maybe chill w/ someone? yeah ok well i'll write tonight..l8er

October Statistics

Spider solitaire
During work
Difficulty level = four suits

Week ending 10/1 - 53 losses
Week ending 10/7 - 24 losses - 2 wins
Week ending 10/15 - 22 losses - 1 win
Week ending 10/22 - 27 losses
Week ending 10/29 - 15 losses - 1 win

Total: 141 losses - 4 wins (2.8%)

Hazard County

You may remember a Dell press release back in early October - they issued a recall of some laptop AC adapters sold between September 1998 and February 2002. Funny story - they're a fire hazard.

Seeing as how I've been living with a fire hazard for the last four years, I applied for a replacement. Curious as to why I had not yet received said replacement, I shot an inquiry to Dell's customer service department. They responded today:

Dell is currently working with the supplier to provide a replacement adapter as soon as possible to everyone affected by the recall. At this time we do not have an estimated ship date; however you will be notified via e-mail when your adapter is shipped.

Pretty cool, Dell. Take your time. Oh, and could you maybe work with a DIFFERENT supplier? Like, one that doesn't make defective AC adapters that put me at risk for electrical shock and homelessness?

The Secret is Out

A few weeks before Labor Day I fielded an enthusiastic e-mail from Shawn (this was back when Shawn could afford internet access). He referred to a "groin-grabbingly good" album from The Secret Machines - "Now Here is Nowhere"

I was a bit apprehensive, seeing as how their guitarist gave this quote to Spin when asked about the band's move from Dallas to New York:

"We were our own best friends, just sitting on our beds, out of our minds on mushrooms together."

On the other hand, there was this exchange among Spin staff in the same issue, regarding performances at the 2004 South by Southwest Music Conference & Festival:

Caryn Ganz (asst. editor): I will plug The Secret Machines. They played Thursday night at some warehouse and they had this massive sound that seemed to hand in the air. It was really visceral.

Charles Aaron (music editor): I was standing in line to get into that show when Chuck comes up, saying, "Oh, my God, they're like Pink Floyd with Alex Van Halen on drums!"

Chuck Klosterman (senior writer): What I said was, "These guys are what would happen if Pink Floyd merged with Queens of the Stone Age, assuming they also added Alex Van Halen on drums." And I stand behind that statement. They're fucking awesome."

Aaron: I was like, "I don't know whether I should push my way in or run screaming in the other direction." But then I got in there, and they were pretty awesome.

As you know, you can't knock it until you rock it, so I bought the debut album. It rocked me.

And that brings us up to early last week, as I chewed a bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran and cursed The Today Show, I clicked over to MTV. MTV had inexplicably ceased airing bullshit in exchange for The Secret Machine's first video.

So, long story short, it's time to go pick up that album. Get your TSM stock before it splits, before every asshole has it, early enough that you can claim superiority over the bastards that will buy it much later.

(Sorry - no free mp3s this time, but there is streaming audio at TSM's website and at Amazon.)

The Cave is Collapsing!

Sorry...I'm really showing great restraint here...I have 11 more of these pictures that I could post...

But doesn't this shot of my sigmoid remind you of that scene in Empire where the Millenium Falcon escapes from the belly of the asteroid worm?

"This ground sure feels strange. It doesn't feel like rock at all..."

There

Now you can't say that I never showed you my proximal transverse colon.

What a Colonoscopy is Like

First, there's the prep; you have to drink only clear liquids for at least 24 hours. That's not so bad. Then you have to take the phospho-soda to clear your bowels. The bad news about that stuff is the taste - it tastes like flavored nausea. The worse news is that it cleans your bowels very thoroughly, and that cuts into your sleeping time.

Once you've made it to the doctor's office, it's time for a few more preparatory steps. Your blood pressure is taken, as is your temperature. Look! It's time for the IV to go in your right hand, because you'll be laying on your left side soon. Of course, even though your veins are normally very responsive to needles, they're not today, as you're dehydrated from the oral saline laxative. After a few painful minutes attempting to stick one vein, another is chosen, and you've got saline coming into your body for a change.

Now all that's left is for you is remove your pants - done and done! Anything to hasten the arrival of the valium/demerol drug combo that's pumped into your system so as to make you forget all of your troubles...or at least that one trouble that's about to be threaded through your large intestine.

So that's the bright side of the procedure - you are so heavily sedated, you don't recall any of the actual colonoscopy (and because you won't remember it, the kindly doctor takes pictures of your innards for you) when you wake up at home a couple hours later. No, you don't remember the scope weaving through you, but you do recall a few moments in the recovery room when the doctor and your ride home show you the evidence of Crohn's Disease in the snapshots of your colon.

(If you're lucky, I'll post said photos in a few days.)

How to Despise Election Day

6:45 a.m. - Wake. Hurriedly consume 2 imitation Pop Tarts so you can get to the high school to vote.

7:15 a.m. - Stand in line for one hour. Darken ovals for candidates knowing that your vote might matter in one (or possibly two... TWO!!) races.

9:00 a.m. - Go to stupid work.

12:30 p.m. - Have 20 ounces of Sprite for lunch. The bottlecap says you win a rental at Blockbuster... BLOCKBUSTER!!!

5:00 p.m. - Finally leave stupid work.

6:00 p.m. - Take 1.5 ounces of oral saline laxative.

7:00 p.m. - Gilmore Girls makes you forget about your troubles for exactly one hour. Then the oral saline laxative brings said troubles back to the forefront.

9:00 p.m. - Another 1.5 ounces of oral saline laxative.

9:30 p.m. - Make lame joke connecting "taking it up the ass" at tomorrow's colonoscopy to election results.