Superhunks - Bruce Willis

How the superhunks stole your high school girlfriend

[NOTE: In addition to naming Jude Law 2004's Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine picked nine "off the charts" sexy superstars: Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp.]

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Homeroom had never been so boisterous. Bruce Willis' new haircut was so unbelievably goofy that it was met with a wave of mocking laughter. This was even funnier than when that Chuck kid peed himself while solving an algebra equation at the front chalkboard.

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Everyone was laughing at Bruce, even the societal castaways that knew how much it hurt to be in his position. The trumpet player that was always tripping over his shoelaces was laughing. The fat kid that never washed his clothes was laughing. The acne-riddled kid that pulled his wheel-equipped backpack everywhere he went was laughing AND pointing. The acne-riddled kid!

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Two students were not laughing. You were one of them. Your girlfriend was the other. The Friday prior, you sat hand-in-hand and watched as Bruce delivered a punishing, fumble-inducing tackle to the crosstown rival's halfback.

"That was SICK!" you shouted, releasing your girlfriend's hand to form and raise a triumphant fist of school spirit.

"He's so strong!" your girlfriend agreed. "He's built a like a tank!"

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You looked over at your girlfriend. She was silent, watching as Bruce shuffled toward his seat. As he slumped into his desk, his newly shaved head swiveled toward your girlfriend. She smiled and crossed her legs.

Only you were aware that, ever since her Army Ranger father deserted her family when she was 13, she craved attention from men - especially chiseled men with hair cropped close to their scalps so as to prevent infestation whilst living in filthy barracks. Two more people were about to discover this truth - one was your high school girlfriend. The other was Bruce Willis.

The laughter subsided.