The Other Archives - Prison Rodeo

I'm cleaning out my old university account - this beauty was written by Albert, then a student at Tulane, to his brother Zach - Zach then forwarded it to me in October 2001:

Oh, the rodeo. Angola State Pen every Sunday in October. Come see the
rodeo and stay for the prison craft show. Oh, the rodeo.

You should look into the possibility of a Missouri prison rodeo. Apparently they're spreading to states other than Louisiana now. The concept is solid. Take a sport in which highly skilled riders compete in competitions involving the murderous force of wild animals and then remove any element of skill. I don't see any problem with that.

As you may guess, today's prisoners are not very capable on horseback. Even simple rodeo tasks like rounding a barrel in a race become difficult when you have only a cursory understanding of livestock. When these same individuals are asked to ride a bull for eight seconds hilarity ensues. There were something like 20 riders in the bull-riding competition without one competing a qualifying 8 second ride. Since no winners can be declared in events where no one qualifies prisons have developed competitions where skill is less important than luck and brute strength.

The first prison-only event Angola offered was the 8-man simultaneous bull ride. Eight men, eight gates, one starting pistol. After you fall off the bull other bulls (with riders still attached) attack you. In this situation you have to stay on the bull just to avoid the wrathful fury of a stampede. Prisoners stay on bulls substantially longer during this event than during the normal bull ride.

Later, after several other events which prove the crappiness of prisoners at real rodeo, the second prison-only event occurs. Once again eight gates are simultaneously opened, but this time there are no riders. Instead eight unbroken horses with ropes tied around their necks run out. Then, teams of three prisoners grab the ropes and try to get one member onto the beast. Disaster. Horses can kick with their front legs. I'd never seen it till the rodeo but trust me, they can. The prisoners were exceptionally strong(weightrooms) and easily stopped the horses from running away, but every time one of them got close the horse would unleash a flurry of kicks. The winners appeared to pull the rope so hard that the horse needed the front legs for balance so it could not kick when the prisoner neared. I'm glad those guys are in prison and not near me. Any three men who can pull a horse off balance are scary.

Other rodeo events ensue, then an event where prisoners try to milk a wild cow using three-man teams and ropes like the horse-breaking competition. This was better than the horses to start since cows are stronger than horses and most of the teams were dragged around the arena. However it ended sooner when a team of particularly strong prisoners first pulled the cow to a stop, then got one prisoner alongside. I figured this would end like other such attempts with the scared cow suddenly pulling the two remaining rope-holders over, but the designated milker had another plan. Rather than risk a cow kick to the head this future parolee pushed the cow over and milked it while it lay in the mud. Well played.

The final event was the most conceptually simple event any rodeo could have. The prisoners who wish to participate are released into the ring, then a bull with a poker chip tied between its horns is released. All you have to do to win is grab the poker chip.

So much pain.