Chicago Conference Recap

The first day of my trip to Chicago was full of wacky things, so I thought I could pull off a running diary of events for the trip...but then Tuesday and Wednesday were dull. So, watch as this post fails to burn out and succeeds in fading away:

MONDAY, APRIL 25

2 male flight attendants on the departure flight out of KCI. What percentage of male flight attendants are gay? 80%? 90%?

Why do we have so many problems getting seated on airplanes? How can this take so long? Ditto deboarding.

The person that attempted the crossword puzzle did so half-heartedly and incorrectly. How could you not know that "Former Genesis Drummer" was PHILCOLLINS?!

The female flight attendant has a normal-sized body but a huge, huge ass - she's bumped my arm/shoulder with it every time she's walked by.

Lots of turbulence upon decent into O'Hare. You know it's a pretty rough when you think, "This is probably what it would feel like if I tried to fly the plane."

People are taking pictures on Michigan Avenue. Tulips are blooming and they need pictures of themselves next to said tulips. I'm guilty of taking stupid pictures, too, but I find these "me next to a small flower garden" especially worthless - no chance they will be funny, cute, or frame-worthy in any way.
Did you know there are 2 Omni hotels in downtown Chicago? I'm at the wrong one. This is the one for Oprah's important guests - mine is a half block west and 12 blocks north of here. It's called the Omni Ambassador East, despite the "half block west" part.

"Ambassador" is an Olde English term for "quaint because it's tiny". (Later that night, the TV would inform me that La Quinta is "Spanish for a good night's sleep", which goes against what a comedian once told Phil. He said it was Spanish for "next to Denny's.")

Lipstick on one of my water glasses. Room musty. Otherwise it's OK.

Turned on Sportscenter - someone has accused Lenny Dykstra of using steroids, so former teammate and current ESPN personality John Kruk is being interviewed. Referring to the accuser, he says, "If this guy walked into the room and introduced himself, I still wouldn't know who he was." No doubt.

Saw two interesting things on the walk to dinner - one was a rental joint called Video Schmideo. I was so caught up thinking about the naming process for that place that I walked right by my restaurant. I also saw a black man in dreads - all I'm saying is, if you're a twentysomething black male with a squarish head, you might want to think twice about any hair procedure that brings you closer to the Malcolm Jamal Warner look.

I stopped at Walgreens on the way back to the hotel to pick up some breakfast food - you never know with these conferences, sometimes it's muffin mania in the morning and other times it's nothing. I looked at the lackluster selection and decided on some milk and cereal bars. I was surprised to find that the Fruit Loops bars had 10% of my daily saturated fat, while the Frosted Flakes had 13%. Aren't flakes more healthy than loops? My theory: more flakes can be compressed into bar form than loops. More product = more fat. Meanwhile, a gay man in sweatpants is freaking out. "This milk is past the due date! You've got to get it off the shelves before it kills somebody!!"

TUESDAY, APRIL 26

Woke up and ate 2 of the milk & cereal bars. They're OK. Turns out there's muffins a-plenty downstairs. Fuck.

I wanted to eat pizza for lunch, being in the pizza capital and all. The place I picked out was closed for lunch, so I had to grab a sandwich instead. Back at the conference, a dude tells me that he ate some awesome deep dish a few blocks away, but he can't remember the name. Finally, at the cash bar happy hour, he remembers. "It's called Uno," he says confidently. "Oh, thanks buddy," I reply, "but I think I'll go somewhere that doesn't have locations in Los Angeles, O'Hare fucking airport, and my fucking home fucking town."

I take the red line to Addison and walk to the gay district in Halstead - I need to eat before I watch the comedy stylings of Chuckle Sandwich, an improv group I first saw at the D.C. Comedy Fest. After some searching, I find a place that looks local and ends in an "O", so I know it's got to be good.

Personal pizzas are only served during lunch at this restaurant, and I'm eating dinner. I eat half of a deep dish/stuffed pepperoni pizza and have the rest put in a box. I place the box on top of a free newspaper stand under the el. Enjoy, homeless!

Chuckle Sandwich delivers the funny, but the other improv groups are very uneven. I talk to the guys after the show and, despite clearing this up beforehand, they think I am from D.C. and friends with their friend. The truth is I'm from Kansas, saw them and met them in D.C., and I'm friends with a friend of their friend.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27

The map says it's 2 miles from the hotel to the blue line. It feels like 20. Arrive at my gate 5 minutes before boarding. Whew.

Game Time Part II

One more game - match the religion listed in their interests: jewish, muslim, jesus freak, lutheran. Safari chick will be labeled #1, #2 has a gun, #3 has shades, #4 is the soccer ball.

What Time Is It? Game Time. Woot.

I'll be in Chicago early this week, so there will not be a post until Thursday or so. In the meantime, I tried to create a fun interactive game you can play in my absence.




One of these young Kansans, aged 18-25 and looking to meet people via Hotornot.com, lists "javelin" as an interest. Guess which one! In fact, please match 2 interests to each female. Each interest will be used, none will be repeated:

catholic
javelin
chillin
nice dinners
cuddling
kissing
trucks
chocolate chip cookie dough

Place your bets now in the comments! For ease of labeling, the women will be numbered 1-4 from left to right.

Gruesome Greenwood

We went out for some dancing last night at local club/death trap The Cadillac Ranch. At bar close, the DJ informed us that they would be ending the night as they do every Saturday night - by saluting America. Queue "God Bless the USA" by Lee Fucking Greenwood. What better song to end the evening than the train wreck I was forced to listen to every 7th inning strech for an entire season at the Metrodome? It's like one of those songs they play to force Branch Dividians out of their fortress.

Marriage Update

It appears that George is getting married; judging by her website it's a done deal.

Rachel getting hitched in early June, the time period I'm due to be in New Mexico.
Bennett is engaged to some broad from Rose Hill.
Lance also getting a wife this summer.
Gay people can't get married.

I think that's all.

Let's Get It Started!

The NBA playoffs start tonight. Remember this day a month and a half from now when you're thinking, "Fuck me, these playoffs are still on?"

T-Birds Flock to Forfeit

We brought our A-game to Lyons park last night. The Rumblin' Bees brought, like, 7 players. They had to forfeit both games. In turn, I may have to give up my chances of the league OBP title, as last night's 3/4 (we played an exhibition game for "fun") won't count toward my stats. Then again, the error won't count, either.

Two weeks into the season, we've already surpassed last year's win total. The T-Birds are four and oh-my!

Fiery Furnace Friedberger's Follies

[photo via jenyk.com]

The roommate and I took a chance and went to see experimental rockers The Fiery Furnaces last night. Eleanor Friedberger was a delight, but her brother Matthew stole the show with two gems, the first uttered several times during the mic check and the second said at the concert's conclusion:

"A porcupine poses a prickly problem."

"You guys are better than Cleveland! You guys are tough! I like you guys - especially this guy right here chewing gum. What kind of gum is that? ...You're awesome, man, you kept the flavor the whole fucking show!"

*

Totally unrelated, I found this campus tale and this rant amusing; cvj, as always, delivers excellence.

Confirmed: Bright Eyes Smokes Doob

Bright Eyes played a show in Kansas City last week. Conor Oberst, lead singer/dictator, went to high school with a friend of a friend. While in DC, I brunched with the classmate and others. The conversation was approximately:

KAT: You eat eggs but not meat? Weird.

FRIEND OF CONOR: It's a pretty common thing. It's called ovo-lacto-vegetarianism. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it.

(Bright Eyes comes up for some reason. I continue to eat outstanding french toast.)

FRIEND OF CONOR: Actually, I was vegetarian before Conor was. He would make fun of me for smoking pot and for being vegetarian, and then a while later he started smoking and became vegetarian.

ZACH: I'll bet he didn't fuck Winona Rider until you did, too.

(Laughter. Other, less hilarious jokes in the same vein followed, i.e. "Conor didn't sing in a plaintive falsetto until you did.")

I'm not a huge fan of the man, but some of his stuff tickles my fancy. Free downloads are available if you're curious.

Not Quite Satire, Not Quite Funny

Rice thinks Putin has too much power

Other things with too much power, per the GOP:
Judges
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor
The media

Things with too little power, per the GOP:
God
Power Companies
Themselves

Burning Man

I received CPR and first aid training today. While my co-workers were taking phone calls and crunching numbers, I was treated to hilarious instructional videos. Sure, there was standard fare: man falling off ladder, worker sans gloves getting a chemical burn, woman trips and breaks her ankle, baby falls into pool, man gets bitten by a raccoon. One dramatic re-enactment was extraordinary. A woman was driving with a male passenger, when she suddenly stopped. "That man is on fire!" she screamed. The camera zooms out to reveal a burning man stumbling - and I mean, Frankensteinesque stumbling, hands out, taking a route not unlike those seen in Family Circus - across the screen.

When a similar incident takes place at my office, I'll be sure to do as the video instructed: chase after the man, beating the flames with my coat, shouting, "STOP, DROP AND ROLL!!"

I was disappointed with the lack of "Don't you die on me!"s and "No, God, take me instead!"s in the instructional videos; still, award them two thumbs up.

Soda Jerks

There is no Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper in my office building. My obvious option unavailable, I chose Cherry Coke's caffeine to constrict my cranium's blood vessels and resolve my headache.

"Look under the cap! 1 in 12 wins free Coke!" the plastic bottle urged.

(twist)

DRINK
COKE

PLAY
AGAIN

Excuse me, Coca Cola Corporation, but back in my day you earned an apology after you failed to win a bottlecap contest! In the old days, "Sorry, try again!" was printed crudely underneath the cap. Though it wasn't much in the aesthetics department, it was a necessary and compassionate message, the literary equivalent of anthropomorphic high fructose corn syrup there next to me, hand on my shoulder, urging me to keep my chin up. "You'll get 'em next time, champ," it seemed to say. So what gives with the modern day version? "DRINK COKE. PLAY AGAIN." Let's dissect the message Coke's folks chose to replace the old standby:

DRINK COKE
I've already purchased your wares, you clods! Seems a little pathetic that the #1 producer of soda pop in the world - arguably the most recognized company in the world - needs to insert an advertisement under the cap. Or is this part of a message instructional? Did they think I'd be too distracted by the potential prize to notice that I had 20 ounces of Coke in my hand?

PLAY AGAIN
I don't appreciate getting bossed around by my purchases - the folks at the Talking Inflatable Woman Store could have told you that. Poor form again, Coke - just because you saw Charlie Brown try, try again with Lucy and the football doesn't mean we're all so doggedly persistent.

Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?

Bless This Mess

Dusty Baker, who went to a spiritual healing center in Hawaii before undergoing surgery for prostate cancer in 2001, sprinkled holy water on Mark Prior's pitching elbow before the righthander's 2005 debut. Four months ago, public relations director Sharon Pannozzo gave Baker the vial of water that had been blessed by Pope John Paul II.
-- Philadelphia Daily News (via SI.com)

Could someone let the Cubs' front office know:

A.> Their PR director's friends and family likely deserve a large backlog of decent gifts. ("Uh, wow. Thanks, Auntie Sharon. Another cross... Disappointed? No, I wasn't hoping for a catechism... Not at all... Not in the least... Yeah, there's room for it... I'll put this on the wall opposite last year's cross... No, no, I didn't get rid of that other cross. I keep that one, uh, in my car...)

B.> If God wanted them to win, they'd have won a World Series sometime between 1908 and 2005.

C.>They hired a manager that already blew one world series with the Giants, blew one NL championship with the Cubs, overworks his pitchers, and is PRONE TO COMMIT PROFANE ACTS IN THE CLUBHOUSE.

My high school would pray before every home game - the priest was broadcast over the PA system. The prayer was always a simple variation of "God: Thanks for the athletic talent, and, you know, life and whatnot. Please don't let anyone get hurt." If only we had Coach Baker as our principal - I would have loved to see the crowd's reaction to, "Lord, please watch over the school's star athelete. We've invested a lot of money and time in him, and if he's injured, he's no good to anyone, Yourself included. Help us humiliate our crosstown rivals, in Your name, with his arm. Amen."

T-Birds Take Two

Friday night doubleheader results:

T-Birds defeat Rumblin' Bees
Dramatic 6 run rally in the bottom half of the final frame gives T-Birds their first win of the new season.

T-Birds defeat Tongi Installation
The T-Birds, minutes removed from the epic comeback against the Bees, score 9 in the 1st inning. Tongi unable to make up the difference.

Dan's night:
OBP: 6/8
Runs: 2
RBI: 4
Definite errors: 1 (throw)
Probable errors: 1 (grounder deflected but not stopped)
Possible errors: 1 (grounder to left in range, bad hop, not stopped)

Babes and Snooze

Babes & Booze Cabaret, an Old Town bar that featured dancers with painted-on latex tops and prompted a citywide moratorium on the opening of sex shops, has closed.

...

Babes & Booze drew criticism from Mayor Carlos Mayans, who wanted to shut down the bar after a police sting on Jan. 28. Police issued four citations and made one arrest at Babes & Booze.

...

"The area is about family and good dining for our visitors and community," he said of Old Town, a warehouse district the city has invested millions in to refurbish. "That kind of entertainment venue does not fit with the ambiance."

"Try to ignore the fact that there are a dozen or more other bars in Old Town," Mayans most likely did not continue. "That multitude of bars and the patrons that fill them - full of Jock-Os sporting Hollister shirts, drunk Genesis Health Club addicts, motorcycle 'enthusiasts', and other assorted jerks - in no way detracts from the family-friendly environment that is Old Town Wichita. And remember, every Thursday night at The Brickyard, ladies and kids under 13 pay no cover!"

"Also, I cheat at basketball."

I stopped into that joint last weekend. Let me assure everyone that it will not be missed. The joint was almost totally empty, there was no beer on tap, the dancer on stage was described by Brian as "sort of crack whore-ish", and - despite its location in a quaint part of the city - felt terribly seedy. It seemed seedier than a normal strip club - you know, the ones where you can actually see naked girls? It was like watching two gross dancers grind on each other all night.

Cookies Cooled

I don't care if the guy never eats another cookie again - no muppet will ever be as funny as Cookie Monster. I dare you to look into his googley eyes without melting. I fucking dare you.

If the Swedish Chef didn't exist, Cookie Monster would be the coolest muppet ever.

Cleptosphere

I visited the Kansas Cosmosphere and Space Museum many times in my grade school career - located in nearby Hutchinson, it was the only place my school district could afford to send us on field trips. (The best visit, easily, featured a science demonstration: hot dog is dipped into liquid nitrogen, hammer shatters hot dog into a billion little pieces. Makes the baking soda volcano look like a pile of puke.) I was disheartened to hear that its former director was indicted for auctioning items from the museum's collection:

The list of artifacts Ary is alleged to have sold includes a nose cone, part of a space suit, a cable that was flown on Apollo 13, and an Apollo 12 water shut-off valve.

I realize that not all that many things have been into space and came back down to earth, and I'm glad something more awesome was not taken from the Cosmosphere's collection, but I just don't understand who buys this crap. What exactly would one do with Apollo 12's water shut-off valve? It's not exactly an autographed Jackie Robinson, jersey, is it? You're not going to place it inside a finished wooden display case and plop that baby on the mantel of your rec room, are you? Do you display it at all?

"Yeah, Jerry - this here is another piece in my collection. It's the water shut-off valve from Apollo 12."

"It looks like most earthbound water shut-off valves, Harold."

"Yeah, well, this one has been to space."

"Was it on the moon?"

"No."

"Oh. Um. Cool?"

"Goddamn right, it's cool! Now, let's head over here and check out this carburetor."

"Wow! They use carburetors on the space shuttle!"

"No no no. Jerry, this here carburetor was the very same carburetor that was under the hood of President Kennedy's convertible on that fateful day in Dallas."

"Was it damaged by Oswald's shots?"

"Not in the least. In fact, it's still in great shape."

"So there's no blood on it or anything?"

"No way. That baby is pristine."

"What's this one over here by the foosball table, Harold? It looks expensive!"

"That? Oh, that's just one of the wife's antique dolls."

"Oh my gosh, I saw one like that on Antiques Roadshow - I think it was appraised at $30,000!"

"Yeah, it's nice, but what's really interesting is the piece that doll is sitting on."

"That's an antique wooden stand?"

"You're close, Jerry - that right there is the stand that was used at Sotheby's auction house from 1995 through 1997. It's propped up many a priceless piece. Why, do you have any idea how many Faberge eggs have touched that thing?"

"I'm going to stop coming by here, Harold."

"Ha ha! Oh, Jerry, you're a real whip!"

"Your wife is ugly."

"Ha ha!"

Rough Rough Rough

You know things aren't going your way at work when the high point of your day is sentencing a litter of 6 month old puppies to death.

Loathe Lohse

[NOTE: You will not care about any of this.]

I read this the other day on Yahoo Sports:

Though Brad Radke has had two rough outings so far, he's as reliable as they come. And Johan Santana showed his Cy Young Award form with a seven-inning, 11-strikeout performance against the White Sox on Sunday. But contending teams need more than two quality starters, so it's up to Mays and Kyle Lohse to live up to the standards set by the Twins' top two.

"We know what we can do," Lohse said.

Here's the thing, Kyle, I DO know what you're capable of. During my season ticket year in Minnesota, I watched you pitch more times that I care to remember, and I was less than impressed. One outing sticks in my mind more than the other equally mediocre efforts. I was sitting in my usual spot (upper deck, left-center field, near the concourse exit with quick access to the food stand, the ice cream-in-a-helmet stand, and the men's restroom...what a magical place of convergence that was), keeping score. That's right, Kyle, I was keeping score. I was there alone - my season ticket pal, Jeff, was absent. I had nothing to distract me from your performance. You sucked. You gave up, seriously, back to back to back to back doubles to the Angels. I know; I wrote them down on my scorecard. You still suck. You make $2.4 million this year despite this fact. Also, you are a pretty boy with stupid facial hair. I hate you. You and Jacque Jones. Go Royals.

My Goodness, My Guinness

I heard author Stephen Church on NPR (KPR, actually, and you may listen to the interview online) this morning; he was talking about his new book, The Guinness Book of Me. Good title for a book - I haven't read it yet, but Amazon has an excerpt I can test out. I was delighted to hear him talk about World's Longest Fingernails Guy - I recall that my own grade school classmates were similarly obsessed with the book and that guy in particular. There was a photo included with that record, as I recall. Disgusting. Upon further reflection, I wondered why a small rural school would spend its library funds on volumes of Guinness books, books with little concrete educational value. I mean, the Guinness books were first compiled to settle bar bets - not exactly the World Almanac. Thank God the library did stock it, though. Hours of entertainment.

Today I thought about what would be listed in my own Guinness Book. I was reminded of a Bill Simmons column where he mentioned the idea of our own personal Elias Sports Bureaus.

Here's what I came up with today. I'll try to add to this list as I think of different records:

Longest without a shower: ~3 days, Colorado camping vacation, circa 1999

Longest without sex: [record deleted in the interest of all involved]

Land speed record: ~90-95 mph, Eastbound I-70, trying to get to the theater in Topeka before that crappy movie with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston started (didn't make it)

Most intoxicated: The night I played "Chug It" the board game, my Minneapolis apartment, circa 2002

Longest makeout session: 3 CDs or so (including Jagged Little Pill, The Bends, and maybe Under the Table and Dreaming), my mom's empty house, circa 1996

Longest work day: 12 hours, wheat harvest, circa 1995

I invite you all to think of your own records (or compare yours to mine) and add them in the comments.

And Someday Soon Perhaps They'll Let Me in on the "Babies Ain't Free" Joke

Welcome to lawrence.com readers - thanks to the site's editors for aknowledging my worth...if only my parents would have done the same during those important developmental years. Sigh.

Just so you new people know, this video remains the best thing I've ever been a part of. Watch it and judge accordingly.

Work Ethics

Today was kind of a shitty work day. I expended a lot of effort and couldn't listen to much music while doing so - lots of calling this jerk and taking a call from this other jerk; headphones and telephone machines don't mix. (That new Beck CD was in my line of vision, taunting me. "Listen to my dope mish-mash of electronifunk!" it squealed.) The worst part of today's efforts is that they will likely go for naught. A couple of incompetent people will take my information and advice and screw it up, manufacturing a half-assed investigation and third-assed report just so it looks like they did some work.

But it's OK. Do you know why? A few years back, I adopted the philosophy of one of our nation's great spiritual leaders, Rasheed Wallace. Back when 'Sheed was in Portland, much maligned, a reporter asked him how he felt:

"I don't give a shit about no trade rumors. as long as somebody CTC, at the end of the day I'm with them. for all you that don't know what CTC means, that's 'cut the check.'"

I want to do my best, I want to give a good effort, and I want my job to make a difference - but when it doesn't, I'm not going to sweat it. I'll take my check and my low blood pressure and drive home to my friends, my Playstation, my couch.

Pun Goes Here

These internet searches led people to this site. My favorites are bolded:

pee fidget legs bladder (Google)
"on the aisle" spiderman 2 (Yahoo)
superhunks (Yahoo Canada)
fever pitch mets fallon yankees english soccer (Google)
JJ redick roommate (Google)
ben affleck cleans his colon (AOL)
How a tornado starts - brief (Yahoo)
"spider solitaire" :"four suits" statistics (Google)
larry balky (Google)
handjobs and aids (Yahoo)
tornado charts (Google)
figure of jesus in tornado (Google)
"McSweeney's Issue 15" (Google)
JJ redick cried (Google)
carlos mayans (Google)
"the secret machine" photos (Google)
"Crohn's disease"+Abe Lincoln (Google)
Ashlee simpson's adidas boots (Google)
sexhouse in germany (MSN)
balky and larry (Google)
jj redick pictures (Google)
balky & larry (Google)
outdoor+purple+slide (Yahoo)
Usher sexy girlfriend (Yahoo)
gorilla bed slide (Yahoo)
Usher girlfriend (Google)
"and you may ask yourself, how did i get here" lyrics (Yahoo)
"lisa hannigan" profile (Google)
sexwhore (Google UK)
formication pictures meth users (Yahoo)
Dryer Simpsons Tornado (sapo.pt)
rilo kiley american wife songmeanings%2 (Google)
ben folds elevated bitches (Google)
sigmoid dildo (Google Australia)
sexhouse wives (Google)
"zach braff is hot" (Google)
drawing downloads silverback gorilla (Google)
tittyfuckin (Yahoo)
tittyfuckin (AOL)
tittyfucking (Google)
brochure on sevendust the band with pics (Google)
my pokemon cards brings all the kids to the yard, and they're like, 'i wanna trade (Google)
Nature Unleashed: Tornado=photos (Google)
Sextogo (MSN)
"Despite some disagreement, Calvert, Harris and the Discovery Institute collectively" (Yahoo)
bitches ain't shit- ben folds-lyrics (Google)
"motley crue concert review" (Google)

Broken Home

Everyone! I've got AMAZING news! My parents are getting back together!

Mom and Dad first separated when I was in the sixth grade. I didn't understand why it was happening at the time, but soon it became clear - ACTIVIST JUDGES on America's coasts were destroying my family. Once my family's definition of marriage was blurred, we had little choice but to disband. Mom filed for divorce, my brother stopped communicating with my father, and my "experiment" phase officially began.

That was then, this is now. One amendment, one man, one woman, one family reunited. Thanks, every county but Douglas!

Hiatus

I'll be away from the internets until Sunday. Read a fucking book or something.

Or read some links that I found intriguing:
Fishtank mishap!
Hannity did it!
Best Buy mishap!
Who has the worst ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?
Bartlett's even more familiar quotations!

March '05 Statistics

Spider solitaire during work hours went out like a lamb this month. As always, difficulty level = four suits.

Week Ending 3/7
1 W, 8 L

Week Ending 3/11
1 W, 4 L

Week Ending 3/18
1 W, 3 L

Week Ending 3/25
(no games played - out of office until Friday)

Week Ending 4/1
(no games played - too busy)

Totals:
3 W, 15 L
17%

Grammar-Related Andy Rooney Tryout

[NOTE: The original version of this was written last night during UNC's championship performance, aka The Night Sean May Lowered His Shoulder To Victory. When adding the finishing touches, the blue screen of death informed me that Windows was closing my browser. Save early and save often, people.]

Why did we ever start using the word "respectively"? Can we stop? Can you imagine the guy that looked at a box score like this:

Lionheart 6
Kingsbridge 14
Reginaldson 11

and then wrote the sentence, "Lionheart, Kingsbridge, and Reginaldson scored 11, 6, and 14 points."? Thanks to that douchebox, I've got to type "respectively" at the end of such sentences.

And what wise man decided to type things like, "See the answers below in bold."? We have to actually bold the word bold? Who are the people that don't know what bold type looks like? Even if you've never seen bold font before in your life, wouldn't you have a vague idea of what it would look like from context alone?

Microsoft. You're killing me. I like Word, but I hate its autoformatting, especially the smart quotes. Let me know what programmer decided it was cuter to have little curly quotes instead of straight quotes - I will prank them to death with a tire iron. Thanks for making things like, "Suzie's got a big ol' hunk of Italy's finest." look like “ Suzie’s got a big ol’ hunk of Italy’s finest.“

[I now read that all again and imagine I have big, wild eyebrows. I'm gunning for you, Andy Rooney! You'll be dead soon and it will be my time!]

Ashlee Simpson Buttcrack Pictures!

Tornado Slide is your one-stop source for photos of Ashlee Simpson's sweet sweet ass! Just click below on "Comments" to see up to 12 different photos of the Simpson sister showing her moneymaker!