Search Terms of Endearment

As the web site continues to grow, people continue to accidentally stumble upon Tornado Slide. You'd be really surprised by how many people search for variations of "'guy berryman' drunk" and end up here.

One individual typed "Naked pics Gustavus swimming angie" into a search engine, and this site emerged as a search result. The person may have been looking for Angela Miller, who is listed on the women's swimming roster at Gustavus Adolphus College


I can't contact Angela Miller - Gustavus doesn't allow the general public to search for their students' email addresses. It's my hope that Minnesota's young Angela Miller is the curious type. Maybe she'll Google herself, see this text, and shed some light on why someone would search for naked pictures of her. Was the person looking for naked pictures of her in the pool? Naked pictures of her somewhere else? Is "swimming angie" Angela Miller or some other student? Perhaps a young co-ed that snuck into the natatorium late one night when she thought no one was looking? Maybe, someday, we'll know.

The most perplexing search was this one:

wheeled luggage sucks

This individual put the above words into a search engine, clicked on my site, and read about my luggage's wheels clicking against the Albuquerque airport floor. This person then took the time to comment on the post:

Don't blame the architect. Wheeled luggage sucks. It's automatically heavier, has less interior space, and is hard to stuff into overhead compartments, because it has to be at least semi-rigid. It just generally slows you down. Think more about what you really need to take with you and save weight. Lighter is better and faster.

I guess it's tough being an unwheeled luggage salesman nowadays - I applaud his novel sales efforts. I do not applaud his advice. Hey jerk - why don't you get off your high horse? Do you think I'm an idiot? That I don't think about what I really need to pack? Do you picture me stuffing four business suits, a bowling ball, a loaf of Panera bread, a dozen Pepsi Big Slams, a bicycle lock, spare tires, a fern, a lamp, a lawn chair, mosquito netting, and toiletries into several gigantic, wheeled pieces of luggage? I picture you lecturing your kids about this every morning before they go off to school.

"Chad," (you named your kid Chad because he was a mistake and you want him to suffer all his life), "Chad, that bookbag is too heavy. You've got to think, son! Lighter is better and faster!"

"Sir," (you're also the kind of prick that makes his son call him "sir"), "I need all of these books for school."

"All the booksmarts in the world won't help you escape my terrible parenting and your terrible childhood."

"Yes, sir."

Sometimes search terms are so unintelligible I can't even guess what they are for:

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Sometimes I can guess what they're for, and I weep, mouth agape:

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TALKING GET-ER-DONE LIGHTER
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"DIET CHERRY VANILLA DR PEPPER" "BLOOD PRESSURE"
lyrics my milkshake brings all the bulls to the yard damn right it's better you’re your
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Finally, there are a few searches that I respect:

tattooed breasts
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"the juice is worth the squeeze"
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"everything's fucked"
yeah from my head to my toes def lepp
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