DC By the Numbers

Conference attendees: 1593

Attractive female conference attendees: ~20

Notably attractive female conference attendees: 3 (2 more than last year)

Notable obese conference attendees: 1 (roughly 4,000 lbs.)

Offensive photos taken: 2 (giving the finger to the White House, the Capitol)

Offensive photos not taken: 6 (kicking a wheelchaired FDR in the face, peeing on FDR's dog, humping Eleanor Roosevelt, giving the finger to Honest Abe, Jefferson, and the Supreme Court)

Heavily conceptual photos taken: 1 (the Washington monument in the background, a barbed wire fence in the foreground. Think about it.)

Items I wanted to buy in the Japanese shop in Dupont: 5

Items actually bought: 1

Number of times I heard a panhandler yell "I KNOW my place in America" to passersby outside the Japanese shop in Dupont: ~14

Karaoke songs performed: 6 (Rocky Raccoon, Rebel Yell, Cecelia (duet), Against All Odds, Cracklin' Rosie, Dream On)

Foreign beers sampled: 2 (Japanese: Ahsi (sp?), Russian: Baltika #9)

Great Debaters Seen: 3 (Jefferson, Lincoln, Webster)

Great Debates Had: 1 (Should lotion be considered a performance-enhancing supplement when used for handjobs?)

Other handjob-related conversations: 2 (Zach refuses to use the airplane blankets - they are too often used to shield handjobs. The other involves Duke's J.J. Redick.)
Duke basketball player stories heard from a Duke alumna: 2 (Horvath once cried to the alumna in a hallway at the Sigma Nu house. He was upset because everyone thought he was ugly. Coach K even told him that lame joke about his mom having to tie a porkchop around his neck to get the dog to play with him. The alumnus spared his feelings and told him he wasn't ugly. Horvath then tried to make out with her - she declined, as he is indeed quite ugly. In other Duke news, it seems J.J. Redick isn't averse to going to a party, meeting an attractive fellow, and giving him a handjob.)

Metro lines used: 2 (blue and red)

Times I wished I had brought my laptop and its sweet sweet wireless card: 5

Times I wondered how DC's signature row houses were built: 6

Times stabbed: 0

Times I thought I could get stabbed: 3

Times I heard about how great Ben's Chili Bowl was: 12

Meals eaten at Ben's: 0

Katherines met: 2 (and a Kathy!)

Gay couples seen in Dupont Circle: (lost count)

Inexcusable Powerpoint errors seen: 3 (Black text on white background for entire presentation - I mean, Jesus, let's at least use one of the preformatted themes! Another presentation had a blue background, which is fine, but a pie chart within that presentation had a blue slice. I can't see blue on blue, bitches! Another figure had light blue background with white text - a contrast of colors that my eyes couldn't handle. Boo. Boo to all of you fuckers bringing such trash to a national convention. Boo. And this wasn't an error, but at the end of one presentation, the woman brought up her final slide which read, in normal font, "That's all, folks!". No accompanying picture of Bugs Bunny - nothing except that phrase. The room ERUPTED in laughter. It was very, very odd.)

Cash in wallet upon arrival: $190

Cash in wallet upon departure: $9

Good to be back home.